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Booty call: should I stay or should I go?

Hoe is the TD’s anonymous sex columnist. She is a student at Drake and can be reached at janehoe.drake@gmail.com

It’s Friday night. You’ve had a little too much to drink. You’re with your friends, and suddenly your phone vibrates. You look at it. It’s a text from the guy or gal you’ve been flirting with all week.

It’s go time.

“Heyyyyy sexxxi. Whatcha doin’ rght nw? ;)”

Yep. It’s a drunk booty call, the most likely type of booty call on campus. Yes, drunk words are sober thoughts. But honestly, it’s decision making time — go to this person’s room and take care of business (and possibly lose your dignity in the morning) or go back to your room and sleep off your mistakes.

This skillfully drafted text message takes the cake. Yes, you could lose your dignity, but for the moment, everything is perfect.

I could tell you to “just do it,” but that’s your call.

Sometimes, though, you just have to do it. Hey, we’re all human. We have urges, why not act upon them? Whether you decide to say “yes” to that booty call or not, it doesn’t matter.

Booty calls are a way to get with someone when you really need it. Some people equate that to an almost “friends with benefits” type of situation. If that’s what you want, fine. But sometimes, you just need a good ol’ sex session. There are many types of booty calls, but they all have the same purpose — you need sex.

But before you reach out into the dark abyss of possible sex-capades, you should know some booty call etiquette.

1. If you really like this person, don’t give him or her a booty call. Seriously, bad idea. You’ll just end up feeling like there could be something between the two of you. Yes, there is. It’s called sex, and that’s all you’re going get. If you feel chemistry, it’s probably just the KY Intense you just used.

2. Don’t mass text for a booty call. Honestly, if you thought you were losing your dignity by doing a booty call, you’ve already lost it by mass texting a bunch of potential partners. Nothing screams desperate like accidentally texting your mom, “Hey baby, wanna come over later? ;)”

3. Make sure you’re able to follow through. Nobody likes a case of “whiskey dick.”

4. Respect the answer. If the answer is “no,” then go to bed. If the answer is “yes,” get in bed.

These are just a few simple tips you could use. Now, here’s what to actually do when it comes to getting down on the fly. Personally, I think it’s best to just get down to business. A booty call is for quick and easy pleasure. If you show up to the person’s place and there are roses and candles, then I’d be a little bit worried that the perpetrator has more than sex on his or her mind. I’d be even more worried if there was some Marvin Gaye playing in the background.

Really, though, there are many ways to execute a booty call. You just have to get some practice. So, Bulldogs, get busy this weekend and show the world your booty callin’ strategies. As always, get down to business and be sure to send me your questions. I want you to want me to answer your questions. I’m here for your voyeuristic and kinky tendencies. I’m up for it all.

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