Column by Stephanie Kocer

Sometimes I lay awake at night convincing myself that I know everything. I, of course, do not.

Maybe some people have it all figured out, but I certainly don’t. I just need to find a summer internship without having a nervous breakdown.

When I graduate in a year, then what happens? Will I live in a big house in the suburbs, or will I live in a tiny apartment I can barely afford in some big city?

Will I make enough money to feed myself? I should really learn how to cook. If you live in a big city how do you buy food? I mean they don’t just have Hy-Vees everywhere, do they? What am I suppose to do if there are no Hy-Vees where I live?

Maybe I will live in a house with a big backyard where I can grow food. However, I don’t think I would be good at gardening. I don’t like dirt. In fact, I don’t like yard work of any kind. You can hire people to do that stuff, right? Who am I kidding? I could never afford that. I’ll just have to learn to like dirt.

I’d really like to have a dog someday. They’re a lot of responsibility, though. I’m just impressed that I’ve kept my fish alive for this long. If I don’t think I could handle a dog, then how am I ever supposed to take care of a child? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I don’t think I can worry about a dog anyway because I will have to work all of the time, right? Journalists work all the time don’t they? What if I can’t be a 9-to-5 person? I get bored during a half-hour episode of “New Girl.”

What if I’m not working because I can’t find a job? What if no one wants to hire me? What if I’m un-hirable? Is that a real word? Oh gosh, what if I have to live with my parents for the rest of my life? I couldn’t handle watching the Food Network with my mom every day for the rest of my life. I can’t cook anyway.

If I can’t cook, then maybe I’ll never find a mate. Being 21 and single isn’t weird is it? No, it’s not. Don’t let yourself conform to some societal norm. You are a strong independent woman and are perfectly capable of facing the world on your own. Although, it would be nice to know someone was there to love and support me.

What am I saying? I have great friends and family. I have a perfectly lovely life. I just need to find a summer internship. Then I won’t be stressed out anymore.

Oh wait. Did I do that reading for women’s studies? Why am I even taking that class? Feminism kind of freaks me out. A lot of things freak me out. Miracle Whip. Frogs. Blenders. Luke Bryan. You know those questions they ask you during a job interview about what your biggest faults/weaknesses/fears are? Is it totally inappropriate if I were to say my greatest fear in life is Luke Bryan?

Crap, what’s the date today? How many days away are the Oscars? I don’t want to stress out about them yet. I’m just really terrified that DiCaprio is going to lose to the man that starred in the movie “Fool’s Gold.”

March 2. That’s when the Oscars are. Shoot I think I have an internship application due the next day. Or maybe it was a paper? I can’t remember.

Maybe I don’t need to get an internship this summer. Yeah! Maybe I will just tour the country as a One Direction groupie. That’s a thing right? I feel like Harry Styles probably needs someone to take care of him. I like to think I could be that person.

I wonder if Jennifer Lawrence lies awake at night and thinks about what the hell she is doing with her life? Probably not. If anything, she probably sends late night texts to Bradley Cooper asking for his advice. I bet he gives good advice.

My grandpa gives good advice. I should call him sometime this week. I’ll do that right after I do my laundry. I really hope I have a clean pair of socks to wear tomorrow.

Is there a reason those girls are yelling outside of my window? I love my friends, too, but I don’t scream it at all hours of the night. How are they out right now? Don’t they have homework to do? What am I doing? I should really do more homework. Actually, I should finish applying for that internship. I don’t really need sleep, do I?

Well, I should really go to sleep. I have class at 9 a.m. tomorrow and I only half-skimmed the readings. Again. Could you turn off now, brain?

Kocer is a junior magazines and English double major and can be reached at [email protected]