Meirink is a sophomore musical theater and public relations double major and can be contacted at [email protected]

It was my birthday.

I think people should just keep that in the back of their minds before they decide to do something really disgustingly heinous that could ruin a person’s day.

But anyway, it’s my birthday, and I’m going downtown to see StageWest’s production of “Lady Day”. I’m excited with birthday energy – plus a friend is in the show. The lights go down, and the first number begins.

Unfortunately, there is another show playing in front of me.

All of a sudden, I hear groans and smacking lips. I look slightly down in front of me to see two 50-somethings just going at it in the theater.

The woman’s arm is around the man’s shoulders and pretty soon they will need to book themselves a room at the Holiday Inn.

I’m wondering why these two people thought it was a good idea to go to the theater today because obviously they had some physical needs to take care of beforehand. Maybe this is just my opinion, but I think it’s safe to generalize that most of the 200 or so people in attendance that afternoon didn’t come to see the two of them perform.

This continued for about an hour into the performance. People were squirming everywhere, and I was just feeling uncomfortable and robbed of my opportunity to connect to an incredible performance.

The anger and tension was palpable and everyone wanted them to leave. Mine may have gotten a bit too palpable at times.

Finally, my friend sitting next to me told the couple that their behavior was very disrespectful. I leaned forward and chimed in by saying that I thought it would be best if the couple just left. They complied with my request.

HALLELUJAH.

When the couple left, I did a happy dance (in my head of course), and the woman sitting next to us grooved in her seat and air-clapped.

I was finally able to fully connect to this extremely well performed piece of theatre.

I started crying.

I don’t know if it was because I was so connected to the piece or if it was because I was so relieved that I was finally able to connect with the piece.

Either way, a few tears just streamed down my face. I realized at this point that while the couple was in the theater, my whole body was clenched up, and as soon as they left I was able to release all this pent-up tension I’d been storing for the first hour of the performance.

PDA is gross even when the couple is attractive, and when they are not it’s like, “I didn’t rent this movie with a lot of groping and making-out.”

I’m just walking down the street and don’t want to have to witness the two of you getting it on. Return your nasty movie and take care of all the late fees you’ve probably acquired while you’re at it.

I guess I can stand the tiniest bit of PDA.

Contrary to the fact that when returning to campus from the show, I saw a couple holding hands and yelled, “Get a room!”

Not my shrewdest decision, but you now know where I was coming from.

So I guess holding hands makes the cut of acceptable PDA. That and light pecks. We’re talking no tongue, no teeth and no nastiness.

And consider your venue.

When people around you are paying $25 a ticket, why let your hormones ruin their evening? It’s disrespectful and lacks class. Also in the category: making-out in Hubbell. It is pretty classless, too. Just don’t do it.

With all this being said, take your love out on the town and have a good time. Just don’t have too good of one.