Protzmann is a first-year philosophy major and can be contacted at [email protected]

It has been a good decade so far for us in the corporate world. Last year’s profits were literally the highest they have ever been in history. At the end of September last year, we collectively had nearly $2 trillion in cash reserves. Isn’t it lovely? All that money, just sitting around. Sure, we could use it to employ more workers and produce more products, but what’s the fun in that? Why create millions of new jobs for unemployed Americans when we can snort coke off a hooker’s stomach instead?

The best part about these last few years has been the elections. While that socialist weasel from Kenya may have won in 2008, we got our people back in power in 2010. Why, right now they are fighting to cut our corporate taxes in half. That’s right! If they succeed, as we sure hope they will, we’ll have even more money to spend on hookers and narcotics. Sure, it might hurt the deficit if it goes through, but we aren’t to blame for America’s economic problems. It’s obviously the fault of all those greedy unions and their fat-cat teachers, firemen and janitors. No. 2 pencils, “stop, drop and roll,” and cleaning solution are obviously the culprits for the government deficit.

Of course, everyone likes to whine about how most of us don’t pay income taxes on our billions of dollars in profit. Sure, Bank of America, Verizon, Boeing, GE and Citigroup collectively paid less than $10 in taxes last year, but all that forgone, income is not why we have a deficit problem. It’s NPR and Planned Parenthood. If GE actually paid its taxes last year, the government would have an extra $5 billion to spend, sure. But if everyone took our corporate- and Republican-approved math courses, you would know the $93 million in funding for NPR is actually greater than $5 billion in foregone tax revenue from GE. Of course, the American “sheeple” continue to have the gall to ignore our tweaking of the facts and insist on acquiring “knowledge” without proper corporate censorship, but rest assured that their transgressions will be dealt with as soon as we get more of our puppets in power.

Speaking of puppets, Paul Ryan, our favorite Wisconsin congressman, has introduced his glorious new budget to Congress. In order to solve the problem of too much spending, he’s going to carve up Medicare and sell its flesh to corporations like ours. To solve the problem of expensive medical care for the old, we’ll simply remove the problem of old people. Give us control over the remains of Medicare, and we’ll release our newest line of fiscally sensitive products like “Granny-be-gone,” the oven explosive that is guaranteed to pull the plug on grandma the next time she tries to bake sugar cookies for the children. If your elderly aren’t cooking inclined, you could try “Geezer-Wheezer,” our potent new mustard gas that will send grandpa back into memories of trench warfare. In the event that the elderly protest their liquidation, the military-industrial complex will finally be vindicated when we use one of their useless, billion-dollar blueprints as we literally roll out the “Gray-Roader” tank, designed specifically to squish the oatmeal right out of them with its titanium treads.

Rep. Ryan is also going to cut Medicaid for the poor. What perfect timing. Our newest line of delicious soup calls for several teaspoons of grounded bones from the poor. Toss in the entrails of immigrants for extra flavor. Not all of the immigrants, of course; how could we keep shoveling our synthetic corn products down your throats and crap on Steinbeck’s grave without taking advantage of the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to work for nearly free?

So vote for the “right” party next election cycle. We don’t like the phrase “two more years” or “four more years” because that implies going into the future. We prefer “negative 100 more years!” as we hearken back to a better time when unions were stricken down for their insolence and doctors only provided health care for those that could afford it. Oh wait…