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Use your ‘head’, not your hands when pleasuring

All right ladies, I’m sure with the weekend coming up, we all are looking forward to a good hook-up.  Some girls really aren’t interested in going all the way, and guys, you are just going to have to respect that. While you may be having some casual fun in the nice, tiny beds of the dorms, I want to share one big component of hooking up that most girls don’t know about. Be warned — I am about to get brutally honest.

Men are masters at giving themselves handjobs. They have been doing it ever since they knew the effects it produced. That’s great for them, but ladies, leave that job to them. When a guy wants to get down and dirty with you, he doesn’t want the girls to deliver what they can do themselves. That sounds like no fun. So what do we girls have to do? Give them head! I know it seems disgusting ladies, but it gives the ultimate pleasure to a man. Yes, sex is fabulous for them too, but that creates a mutual pleasure. Sometimes, the guys need some special attention.

Now, how do you make it the ultimate pleasure? Well, most importantly, NO BITING! I cannot stress that enough. It may seem like common sense, but in the nervousness and heat of the moment, you might forget. You wouldn’t want a guy biting your vagina when he is eating you out, would you? It’s the same thing, but possibly a greater pain for a guy. Another extra tip that will surprise your man is if you suck lightly on the balls. Personal research has confirmed this enhances the sexual experience for men. A translation for the ladies: this makes the process go much faster. This fact can be very appealing for us. If you are not comfortable with sucking on the balls, massaging or licking them while giving head suffices as well. It really comes down to whatever you two are comfortable with.

Ladies, you must know that you are completely in charge in any sexual experience. Lets be honest, guys are horny all the time and are down for anything you want to give to them. You perform how you want to, and the guys will be grateful for any pleasure you give them. But always remember, use your head, not your hands!



  1. Jane Prude October 11, 2012

    Wow, are we sure this was written by a girl? Why are they publishing this nonsense anyways? I’m glad our paper holds itself in such high regard.

  2. Sean October 12, 2012

    This is a positively shameful display by the T.D. It is appalling to think this is okay.

  3. Max J. October 12, 2012

    Where is the male G-spot? Is it near the anus?

  4. Appalled October 12, 2012

    I’m shocked and appalled at this article and what is being considering worthy to publish on our school newspaper these days. Let’s save this smut for Fifty Shades of Grey and Women’s magazines, and publish articles that actually hold some worth for our students, okay?

  5. Alex Toll October 12, 2012

    Wow, well, at least the article “blew my mind.”

    Oh, come on, I can’t say it but she can?!

    1. Matt October 12, 2012

      Disgusting. The fact that this got published is pretty hard to swallow

  6. Bruce October 12, 2012

    Yeah… Men are horny all the time… Like in class, at work, in the shower, during ice fishing, at
    The Super Bowl, nursing homes, saving children from fire, Thanksgiving dinner with family, bring your kid to work day, father-daughter picnics, showing Mom how to setup her email, and even watching Adam Sandler try to be funny like he used to.

    It’s a good thing we have girls like Jane Hoe around so that guys who objectify females can continue to get laid with little effort and further believe the idea that self-worth and accomplishment are classified by the quantity of females you have had relations with as opposed to the quality of females.

    But who am I to judge… I don’t even like receiving oral (ladies, contain yourselves as you all try to give me your numbers).

  7. Frank October 17, 2012

    I understand that sex is and has been a major appeal of our society for decades, but this is a pathetic excuse for journalism. At a university that considers it’s school of journalism and mass communications one of it’s best programs, it is shameful that it’s student-run newspaper is resorting to articles like this. Even with the subject matter set aside, the writing quality lacks the basic elements of journalistic writing.

    It is offensive that the staff of the Times-Delphic considers the student body at Drake to be so base we would be interested in reading something so vulgar and distasteful. Any student of the J-school should be fully aware of what is informative journalism, and what is downright trash.

  8. Bob October 17, 2012

    I as a guy, find it telling that the vast majority of negative comments are from males. Personally I don’t pay much attention to the garbage that is written in this colum, and only saw it because my female friend brought up her disgust. This Jane hoe has a lot to learn about what journalism is and what people want to read, especially since the article is extremely poorly written simply in a journalistic sense. Good luck getting a job anywhere but our joke of a paper.

  9. Kacey October 17, 2012

    I understand that this is a college campus but is this what we want to portray ourselves as? It is something that I believe is perfectly okay to talk about in private but I do not believe that it needs to be somewhere where just anyone can see it. Also, I think that this article makes some very general assumptions that are not always true. Not all men are horny all the time and not all women are willing to do anything of this sort.

  10. K October 19, 2012

    Nice to see the TD is just as terrible as it was 10 years ago.

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