Grenfell is a sophomore public relations and management double major and can be contacted at [email protected].

I’ve decided to put a different spin on this week’s article. Since I have only talked about basketball up to this point, why not change it up a bit? The topic involves Drake University’s one and only Hubbell Dining Hall. After three semesters of eating there, I’ve been able to observe its rather segregated nature. You know in movies how they sometimes show the cafeteria with the popular girls, the jocks and the nerds?  Hubbell could be prime footage for a scene like this.

I have jumped to these conclusions assuming we are all rational people who can take a joke. My goal is to entertain, not offend. Here goes nothing.

Area 1, football players:

It’d be nice if they wouldn’t all eat at once. Not only do they take up seven tables, they are going back for seconds before the rest of us can even get in line for firsts. You just finished dead lifting three sets of 10 — we get it. Now take that protein shake and pretend it’s doing something for you.

Area 2, extreme gamers:

No lie, I have actually witnessed this scenario. I was surprised to see at least one of them didn’t whip out a Game Boy to play Dragon Ball Z in the middle of dinner. To overhear conversations of this sort was rather intriguing. And by intriguing, I mean ludicrous. At least the kid found a friend with similar interests.

Area 3, sorority girls:

Let’s be real, I know that banana and dollop of applesauce isn’t about to fill you up. Splurge a little; go for a slice of that juicy mystery meat. Or how about a cheeseburger? If you turn that down, I assume you’ll be drinking your calories in future late-night activities.

Area 4, basketball players:

It is 100 percent true that they choose the table closest to the food. Lazy at its finest? Yes, indeed. Oh, and I suggest they apologize to the Hubbell workers for strutting through the doors 10 minutes before closing time. Is it like they run the place or something? Or so they think.

Area 5, theatre majors:

I swear, they have a gathering prior to meal time and decide when they will all laugh really loud, in unison. It is comforting to know Drake is filled with happy people at that. But it is almost class time, and FAC is at least an eight-minute walk. Better hurry!

Area 6, frat boys:

You blacked out at Dublin last night? No way! I bet your snap-back hat and North Face jacket were stolen too. Enough said.

Area 7, track-sters:

So I take it that it’s completely acceptable to rock the spandex in the middle of winter. We all know you have toned legs and a muscular booty. No need to over emphasize. Wait, did you guys shower before you came to eat? I suppose I can assume the best this time.

And there you have it, Hubbell in a nutshell. I hope my attempt to roast everyone equally was somewhat of a success.