“Does that affect your sex drive?” 

My eyes went wide, I started breathing a little harder and my hands began sweating. Talking about sex always makes me extremely nervous, and my date caught me extremely off guard. This was not the question I expected to get after I shared about my rare chromosomal disorder. I hadn’t expected to talk about my chronic illness on this first date at all, but we had been vibing and it had just slipped out. All the positive points he had earned before the sexually-charged question, he lost at that moment. 

However, he didn’t stop there. He kept talking about how his last relationship ended because she and him were just not physically compatible. From his own account, he had a much more active sex drive than her. I was frozen as he droned on and on. I did not know how to advocate for myself and say, “That is none of your business!” or “This is our first date — stop thinking with your libido.” 

I knew the relationship wouldn’t work before I left the restaurant. He couldn’t get through one date without thinking about having sex with me. And I plan to wait for marriage. 

I have sadly resigned myself that this is the way of the world. The CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics conducted a National Survey of Family Growth that found about 90% of Americans have engaged in premarital sex. 

I recognize that I am in the minority here, but I didn’t think that would make it so hard to date. I am still shocked at how blunt people can be about this topic before they really know me. Maybe I am naive, but Gen Z seems to only be dating for sex. 

This can be quite isolating when you are waiting for marriage. In a very sex-positive world, people don’t understand that this is a value I hold close to my heart. They seem to believe it is just a minor hesitation or that they can convince me “they are the right guy.” I want to make this very clear: Trying to get me to go further than I want and trying to get me to drop my boundaries is bordering on sexual assault. Not only is it kinder, but it is easier (and less criminal) to respect my physical boundaries. 

On the other side of things, I feel isolated too with the group of people who are also waiting for marriage because they often talk about sex in the context of having children. Due to my Turner’s Syndrome, I am infertile, so this is not my reality. Bringing up sex in this context just makes me long for something I may never have. Talking about sex is nuanced and a difficult conversation, so people shouldn’t assume everyone is as comfortable talking about sex as they are. 

I also think people waiting for marriage get the reputation of a ‘prude,’ or someone who slutshames. That isn’t the case. Just because people are waiting for marriage doesn’t mean they are judging those who don’t. I respect whatever you choose to do with your body. I respect the sex-positive view and would never judge anyone who wants to have sex outside of marriage. I only request that the same kindness be returned to me. This is not something that you should try to get people to budge on. It is a boundary that should be handled in a respectful manner. 

The story above wasn’t a one-off. I have had a boy try to kiss me right in front of their roommate, who was gaming in the background. I have been in multiple situations where boys have pressured me to cuddle in ways I am uncomfortable with. 

I just don’t understand the world’s obsession with physical relationships. I much prefer the emotional bonds that people can form and seem to last them years. I am a hopeless romantic to my core. When I was a little girl, I was convinced that I would marry my Prince Charming. I see myself with someone who is a respectful, sincere, kind and deeply-in-love young man. 

I thought this was the way the world worked. A man and a woman would fall in love and get married. I am not a little girl anymore, and I understand that dating is not that simple. I understand that sex makes people feel good and that it is appealing, but I do not want that right now.

Mostly, though, I am frustrated because I just want to feel safe when dating. I currently don’t. Negative experiences in this area have made me very wary of the dating scene. I am not as open or trusting of people anymore, which can be a good thing. It has made me a smarter dater, that’s for sure, but it also has just made me date less. Every time I get my hopes up, I get asked some variation of “What are your thoughts on sex?” sometimes even before the date begins.

Questions like this are signs that the people asking them are not the guys for me. Somewhere out there, though, is the guy for me. Somebody who is fine taking it slow. There’s someone out there for me, but in the meantime, don’t pressure me to find him and engage in activities that I’m uncomfortable with.