Bosco is a senior English and secondary education double major and can be contacted at [email protected].

Relays has passed, graduation is around the corner and my intramurals column is making its final appearance. The pilot year of The Times-Delphic publicity has acquired as much success as we hoped for, and I am sad to be leaving it so soon. The program hopes to extend the weekly tradition, but the reins are being passed down to a younger model. Sophomore Joanie Barry is the brightest prospect currently on staff, and her experience and keen eye at the fields will be preparation enough.

I have documented the last year of play to the best of my ability, but that leaves three previous years worth of untold stories. In the space allotted, I would like to present my top five Drake Intramurals moments.

*Names have been changed

The Pike Puppy

Recreational basketball games can always offer uplifting moments. Those who place themselves in the ‘B’ league are looking to win but also looking for a good time. Apparently, a good time becomes a better time when a dog shows up. One night this past year, a few Pike fans showed up on court 2 with a miniature golden lab, and as supervisor, I had to make an executive decision. The puppy passed the charming and cute test, so I allowed it to stay. The team was later notified that if the dog did not have a Drake ID next time, it unfortunately would be denied entrance.

Sour Sport

I could have used every column this year to write about poor sports and still have excess material. We like to look for the best in our athletes, but dramatic incidents inevitably occur. My favorite episode to retell comes from a men’s competitive basketball game my sophomore year. I was officiating the semifinals, and the defeated team was looking for anyone but themselves to blame for the loss. “Here’s my jersey,” said the player, handing me a smelly jersey dripping in sweat. After instructing the frustrated Frankie* to place the jersey in the bin, he responded with, “Well, you took my season, you can take my jersey.” Not only is the intramurals staff not your housekeepers, but we are also not the reason you missed a lay-up.

Identity Confusion

Before the golden days of Intramural Coordinator Matt Gasser, it was Intramural Coordinator Becky Gilmore. Becky had an unassuming authority and could easily match Gasser’s skill at removing a troublemaker. During a floor hockey game three years ago, one player with typical baseball-envy was utilizing his hockey stick as a weapon, and his mouth was auditioning for a drunken sailor’s role. Becky tolerated barely a minute of it and threw him out of the game. Like most players do at some point, Confused Charlie* stepped up to an intramurals manager role and yelled, “And who do you think you are?!” Becky calmly replied, “I’m the Intramural Coordinator, and you can leave the building now.” Charlie obviously didn’t know any other positions above a coordinator that he could assume, so he left enraged. Since it was floor hockey, he had to walk home alone at 1 a.m.

Hots for Scorekeeper (submitted by Joanie Barry)

As employees of a late-night career, our personal appearance and mental state of mind is not always easily kept. However, the pumping adrenaline after a contest occasionally leads to flirtatious feelings from victorious players. Terms of endearment such as “sugar plum” and “beautiful whistle blower” have been heard. Phrases like “dirty jerseys for a dirty girl” unfortunately come out as well. All pick-up lines are taken with good spirits, but if you really want your smooth moves to be considered, work your way to a championship first. #Winning.

Duff Dreams

Every basketball season, a fan favorite comes out to play. A FIJI-originated team called Duff is made up of boys looking to play anything but basketball on the basketball court. We have seen stick ponies, short shorts, touchdown passes and the occasional “Mighty Duck” formation. My typical advice for the rookie official is to expect the unexpected. Duff has never been exempt from technical fouls or void of the regular rules. In fact, they may even hold the record for violations. Nevertheless, we want nothing more than Duff to continue the legacy.

I’d like to give a very generous honorable mention to my fellow colleagues for four years of intramural companionship and to Lisa Murphy for always directing great services. If you are lucky enough to catch Gasser walking around, thank him for the tremendous development we have seen in the program throughout his two-year contract. He will be announcing later this month on SportsCenter where he is taking his talents.

As always, we thank you, the athlete. We wouldn’t be here without your games to watch, Drake ID’s to check and stories to tell.

Until next time, please play by the rules.