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Message belated: newspapers, you are betimes outdated

“Man’s ego is inflated, his laws are outdated, they don’t apply no more, you can’t rely no more to be standing ‘round waitin’,” sang Bob Dylan. So the same fate has befallen newspapers: this Paraclete of Promulgation has succumbed to the Interwebz of Inanity. Reading such fogey fodder is atavistic, masochistic and a hidebound heuristic. Photo by Meghan Holloran | photo editor

Does anybody read newspapers anymore? This is the first time I have ever written for any sort of paper. 

For all my years in school, I have yet to find myself looking at a school newspaper. Did my school not have news! Were there no reporters on the scene for the lunch room boxing matches, rare Pokemon cards being traded or to find out who clogged the sink with paper towels and flooded the bathroom, causing thousands of dollars in water damage? Oops, that last one was actually me. 

Perhaps it wasn’t that there was no news, but instead that there was nobody to read it. I have yet to meet anybody under the age of OLD years old that would, oh so casually, read the newspaper. 

Newspapers aren’t even the first on the scene anymore! Thus I go to X, formerly known as Twitter, to those who “blaze their glory” casually to spew whatever is currently happening. 

Why must I wait for that specific day of the week for the ink to rest on hot paper to try to find out what the hell I already know? I didn’t need to wait for the article on “Blue Beetle” to know the movie’s disgust. I saw the reviews saying how poor it was, YET I STILL SAW IT. In true retrospect, I paid $12.50 to take a nap in an uncomfortable chair with strangers. 

The point being that newspaper is an old story. Video killed the radio star, the radio star killed the newspaper and the newspaper is somehow still around! I would rather do ANYTHING than read a newspaper: watch a broadcast, listen to a podcast or skip the news to see the forecast. 

Contradictorily, oh I desire for the newspaper to be. To sit in a coffee shop reading it to only show how pompous and pretentious I am. If only the newspaper could actually carry interest and writers were that of wizards and fairies instead that of crooks and tricksters. I take offense to that being a writer myself. 

Thus I ask and beg of thee newspaper to carry a worth that is worthy of the ink to paper comparable to the brain to my attention span. Yet no matter how interesting the story is or who is writing it, I will always watch YouTube while eating instead. Thus, I write an article nobody will read and the editors will reject.

Sincerely,

The Reno Valentino

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1 Comment

  1. Doug Greebfett September 23, 2023

    This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen in the TD, and that includes a guy going on an article-long rant because his date made fun of his wine choice

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