STORY BY BRANDI DYE
What did Matthew McConaughey, Steve Carell and Jared Leto have in common at this year’s Golden Globes? Facial hair.
Since when are beards acceptable for a fancy black-tie event?
Fellas, it is time to shave. I’m calling it right here, right now: beards are done.
For the past few years, beards have been the sign of a cool hipster too ambivalent about societal expectations to bother with shaving.
Now America’s nerdy dad Steve Carell is rocking one.
Beards are just a fashion trend on its way out. Beards are not hot anymore. Really.
A study published by Royal Society Publishing proves that both women and men find beards more attractive when they are less common.
Because of the fact that everyone from your mechanic to your dentist is bearded, the hotness level of those beards has severely decreased.
The study also showed that clean-shaven faces are more attractive when they are rare, so now is the time to hop off the bearded bandwagon.
Beards traditionally are a sign of manliness. What do you call the girl a closeted gay guy dates to prove his heterosexual masculinity?
A beard. That is not a coincidence.
But in today’s day and age beards are much more barista than lumberjack, despite the rise in “lumbersexuals.”
“Lumbersexuals” are men who present themselves in a Paul Bunyan-type fashion as means to being attractive (so much flannel).
Author Dr. Marcie Bianco on Mic.com claims that the lumbersexual movement is a response to a masculinity crisis in current society.
She has addressed the logic that “real men can grow real beards.”
The piece claimed that in a technological age, men have a harder time expressing their masculinity, so these “lumbersexuals” are choosing to wear their manliness on their faces.
Guys: there are other ways to express manliness, like arm wrestling and peeing outside.
Wearing excess testosterone on one’s face is really not necessary.
Men have gone so far in trying to wear their masculinity that they have forgotten about the importance of style in attracting the babes.
Wild shrubbery on one’s face is not a good look.
I understand that there are levels of beard, from the Duck Dynasty to the Adam Levine.
But really, beards are saturating the man-meat market. And nobody wants to buy this man-meat.
I am urging guys to get into the clean-faced trend now before it is too late and all the basic bros are shaving.
You know who did not have a beard this awards season? George Clooney.
Clooney is the personification of coolness, and he walked the Red Carpet bare faced.
Be like George Clooney. Shave.