Weed it out

Schaaf is a sophomore law, politics and society major and can be contacted at steven.schaaf@drake.edu.

Not everything that Mother Nature gives us should be smoked: tobacco, cyanide, puffer fish — the list goes on. Some stoners may contend they don’t inhale their bud, but ingest it in the form of a brownie. To these aspiring chefs, I implore you, stop defiling our food. If I wanted my brownies to taste like gym socks, I wouldn’t have bought Betty Crocker’s new double-chocolate fudge mix.

And I hear there is this hip and groovy idea that is currently being puff-puff-passed around universities throughout America — if you watch the movie “Jaws” backwards, it totally looks like a shark is vomiting people all over the beach. Do you know why such an absurd thought has become so prominent among college students? They’re all super high. Marijuana is corrupting the minds of our youth and this is only one way that it is slowly, but surely, destroying America.

The revival of the longhairs does not bode well for Drake students. If you want to see just how far marijuana has permeated our academic safe haven, just look to the correlation between college students and the purchase of Ramen noodles — the statistics are terrifying. How high will we allow higher education to get?

We must take action against marijuana to protect our student body. Drake has a significant Greek community, and it is only a matter of time before some sort of “purple hazing” begins. Fortunately, our intra-fraternal solidarity has warded off this phenomenon for the time being, but the violent spread of hipsters (a.k.a. hippies with good hygiene) will surely put this anti-weed camaraderie to the test.

I’ve tried discoursing with burnouts about why they want to destroy everything we know and love, but they’ve been too busy noticing their hands are oddly disproportionate to their bodies.

Some dope-fiends may contend that everything is just better when you’re high. I will agree that marijuana does increase sensation, but  only toward things that are initially appalling. For example, how many of you like the music of Animal Collective? How many of you want to eat macaroni and cheese with tuna and jalapenos? How many of you are inclined to watch “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I can only assume that you are high right now.

Weed is breeding a society of hippies, bums and conspiracy theorists. It is time that we do what stoners can never do — something. We must rise up against all joints, blunts, spliffs, hitters, bowls, bongs, vaporizers and GB’s. We must strive to emulate Bill Clinton and not inhale the fumes of complacency. Marijuana is a social cancer that must be eradicated; we must fight against the degradation of society by picking out the seeds and stems of oppression and igniting a grass-roots ganja revolution seeking to weed out the Rastafarian menace.