by LAUREL CRAMER
Aries — You’re standing on a table in your childhood lunchroom and screaming about how your candidate is the best. There are veins popping out of your neck as you try to pull the attention to you. You are stubborn and passionate about your opinion and are making sure that the
Taurus — You are ready to convince the undecided to side with you. The plan you’ve been working on for the past few days is about to pay off. Whipping out your Tupperware— you are passing out cookies, brownies, and juice. Anything to sweeten the deal with your candidate.
Gemini — You drive 40 minutes to caucus in a precinct where no one knows you. You’ve been pretending to support a candidate for months now, even changing your FB profile to include one of their themed filters so you’d fit in. Now in the room of strangers, you feel free to stand in any corner, unjudged.
Cancer — You are quickly wiping away tears because you see your crush is caucusing for someone else. You had thought it was a perfect match. Well, at least you’re the same party. Try not to let it get you down, Cancer. You know the most important thing is that you picked a candidate that was right for you.
Leo — You’re 100% ready to endorse your candidate. You come in wearing their campaign t-shirt, complete with button, hat, and even a fanny pack. There is no way anyone will doubt which team you’re no. You’re loud and proud in the way you show your candidate some support.
Virgo — You’ve done the research, read all the articles, and now the time has come. You feel good about your decision because it wasn’t one you made lightly. You think about how important your vote is to the world.
Libra — Libra, you are talking earnestly to every caucuser while taking as many handouts as possible. After touring around each station and seeing what cool free stuff you can ammas, you pick your spot. You knew from the beginning, but it’s more about the journey and the stuff you get along the way.
Scorpio — You satellite caucused a while ago. You’re too cool to actually stand in the lines and deal with all of the screaming and shouting. You’re watching the caucus updates while cooking a meal in your robe and facemask at home— a full glass of wine in hand.
Sagittarius — You’ve spent some time with every candidate. You just don’t want to feel tied down when there are so many options in Iowa. You think about all the rallies you’ve attended. Sag just pick a side already. The clock’s ticking and once you commit you actually will feel better.
Capricorn — There’s one minute till they close the doors, but you just ran up with a proof of address and now are wildly looking around to figure out where you need to go. It’s better late than never to exercise your political right. We know you care, even if you weren’t the most prepared.
Aquarius —You are trying to convince everyone in your corner to hold hands while going around and sharing their favorite fact about their candidate one by one. Security is asking how you managed to get an acoustic guitar into the building and telling you if you play kumbayah you will be forced to leave.
Pisces — What’s caucusing? You moved to Fairfield, Iowa and joined the Mariana Williamson cult. You are sending positive beams to the rest of caucus-goers, though. You and the other happy warriors don’t feel the need to go and fight in society.