Q & A with 2010 Most Beautiful Bulldog Meatball

Photo: File photo

The canine waddled to the stage with a wiggly step, assuming his throne with a confident air and a floppy tongue while the paparazzi proclaimed the glad news in camera flashes and scribbled notes. The Most Beautiful Bulldog of 2010 had been elected – Meatball.

Now, on the verge of relinquishing his title to a successor, The Times-Delphic caught up with Meatball and asked him a few questions about being Top Dog.

Times-Delphic: What was it like to win the Most Beautiful Bulldog Competition in 2010?

Meatball: When Porterhouse won in 2009, I thought, ‘That chubby purebred. I can take him.’ See, no one can waddle as good as I can waddle. It’s all about the waddle. The bitches are all into my waddle. They start sniffing when I come around. Of course, I wasn’t nervous when the big day came up. Maybe I was a little distracted, but nervous? No way. I had to put on a show. Sometimes people call me a clown. I’m not a clown. Clowns are creepy. Do people grab a clown’s head, shove their faces into it and cry out “OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO CUUUUUUTE!” every time a clown appears?

TD: Tell us about your home life.

M: I have to share my kingdom with two other dogs — both black Labradors. One of them is fun. He reminds me of a chew toy that moves. One of them is kind of a jerk — I think he’s jealous of my success. I keep a close eye on him. He’s the kind of dog who licks your hand then bites at your toes.

TD: Do you ever feel suffocated by your importance?

M: Sometimes a dog’s just got to be a dog. Once I started running around our neighborhood. I found someone’s back door to their house open so I decided to go check it out. The leader of a kingdom has got to protect his subjects, after all. I went upstairs and into a bedroom — I think she was a little surprised, since she had just gotten out of the shower. Ryan and Kati were kind of embarrassed about that one, I think, but I don’t wear any clothes either (besides my robe and crown, of course), so I don’t see what the big deal was.

TD: How do you maintain your Beautiful Bulldog mystique (and physique)?

M: When you’re the Most Beautiful Bulldog, you’ve got to maintain a pretty robust body. I train with horses. When we visit Kati’s parents, I chase those suckers to the corner of the field, and they chase me back. I’m pretty fast for a bulldog — I run all the way around the block for practice.

TD: What have your commitments as the Most Beautiful Bulldog been like?

M: Sometimes my fans are a little goofy, but I love them all. Whenever my servants Ryan and Kati bring out my crown and robe, I get so excited. We’ve gone to a bunch of places — Gray’s Lake, the Animal Rescue League, Drake homecoming, Parents’ weekend, and the Drake Relays.

The Animal Rescue League was fun. I was the Grand Marshall and got to lead over 100 dogs on a mile-long walk. Do you know how far a mile is for a bulldog? It takes the average human about 2,100 steps, and the average bulldog over 10,000 steps. That’s a lot of waddling. I wanted to lay down halfway through, but couldn’t give up. Sometimes it’s just so difficult to be so important.

TD: What advice would you give to the 2011 Most Beautiful Bulldog?

M: Lick a lot of faces. Above all, make sure the world knows you are the top dog.